Broken Trust

Question on how to rebuild trust

Dear Hailey,

Advice on being able to trust again after my trust has been broken?

Untrusting

Dear Untrusting,

Having our trust broken sucks, there’s no getting around that. We pour our heart and soul into someone, only to have it smashed. But we do ourselves a major disservice if we close ourselves off from trusting again. Vulnerability is a tricky thing, because it is one thing that makes us human and allows us to love and experience the world. However, it can be hard to make ourselves vulnerable after that was the very thing that hurt us so badly.

Understand that the past is the past. It does not define your future. Not every person you come across will treat you in the way you were treated. The only way to trust again is to well, do it! Theoretically, it may sound impossible to trust again after your experiences. However, this is theoretical, and in real life, the right person will be willing to give you the time you need to trust again.

This is also an excellent time for some introspection. I’m a big proponent of journal writing, and it is a good way to discover your attitudes and beliefs about others. Lots of “I statements” about how you feel about loving again, and your fears.

Know that being hurt doesn’t make you a bad person. You are not responsible for someone else’s behavior or poor choices. Know that you don’t control everything, which is scary but also comforting. Also give yourself some time and self-care, you deserve it.

Hailey

 

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Dear Worried…

In response to “Worried”

Dear Hailey,

Before I get to the actual question, you need some background information first. Back when my husband was a child his life changed in an instant when a drunk driver crashed into his parents car killing most of his family. His older brother and him were the only 2 survivers from the wreck. After nearly dying, and years later, both brothers are ok and dont suffer a whole lot from previous injuries. Even though my husband’s injuries were far more critical and serious then his older brothers injuries, his older brother seems to have more long lasting issues.

My husband and brother are ridiculously close. I seriously question who he would be more sad to lose in death, me or his brother. Thats how close they are. Its a running joke between my sister in law and i that we are both not sure if they would be more sad to lose their wife or their brother.

Fast forward to now. My husbands brother has been not feeling very well, never having enough energy, missing work for being “sick” or just plain exhausted. So they went and got some tests done last week and found out that his pancreas is slowly failing. They put him on some enzymes that supposedly help combat that and supposedly he can live a long and healthy life as long as he stays on the enzymes. Unfortunately they found out yesterday he is horribly allergic to them and breaks out in these really painful hives and cankers in his mouth.

He was told he needs to stop taking them until they clear up and then maybe try taking them again. As far as we know there is nothing else he can take to replace the enzymes needed for his failing pancreas. My husband knows about the pancreas and that he was taking the enzymes but i havent told him about the allergic reaction to the enzymes yet. He fell apart for days just finding out about the pancreas problems…. and that was when we had.hope that the enzymes were safe to take for life and would basically fix the problem.

So my question is should I tell my husband about this? Or should I leave that up to his brother?

Worried

A: Dear Worried,

You have been put in a very difficult position with knowing this information before your husband, especially with the close relationship between him and his brother. You have outlined your choices in your question, you either need to tell your husband, or leave it in your brother in laws hands. I feel your best option is to encourage your brother in law to tell your brother. However, if he chooses not to tell him, your husband will find out eventually, and it will be hurtful if time has passed. I would encourage your brother in law, decide in your mind on how much time you will give him, and then tell your husband after that amount of time has passed (whether it be hours or days). Truly, you know the situation best and should proceed how you feel would be best for everyone, yourself included.

Hailey

 

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Not so Sweet Dreams

Q: How do I best help my 6 year old? She struggles with anxiety and super creepy, demented nightmares. Tips for either issue would be very appreciated!

A: Nightmares are very normal at that age. Children at this age are starting to understand real life dangers, and these realizations can come out in dreams. At 6 years old, your daughter is able to distinguish between reality and dreams, but it is still a terrifying experience. Most kids get nightmares for no apparent reason, sometimes they are linked to stressors but often they are linked to TV shows, stories, or other things they come in contact with. If there are no current stressors or past experiences that are contributing to her dreams, it is likely just how she is processing her experiences currently.

Get creative! If it is monsters, make a “monster spray” together to spray under the bed or in the closet. Or maybe get her a new stuffed animal that scares away the bad thoughts. Maybe a happy song that keeps bad dreams away. Think of a creative solution together. Make sure she is comfortable, in my research I found out that when some children get cold at night it can trigger nightmares.

Above all, do what you can to make her feel safe. Let her talk about her dream. However, if she doesn’t want to talk about the dream that is fine too. Sometimes asking them to come up with a happy ending to a scary dream can be beneficial. It can also be helpful to establish a relaxing bedtime routine, and don’t feel bad about rocking her to sleep or holding her if that is what she needs after a scary dream.

Since she is experiencing anxiety outside of nighttime and dreams I would talk to your pediatrician. Counseling could be a good option to help her develop some healthy coping skills to manage her anxiety.

Hailey

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