Advice Column: Response to “Stuck”

Dear Hailey,

I am stuck! My future in laws drive me CRAZY! Me and my boyfriend decided we want to buy a house. I’m unemployed at the moment, so we decided to see if he could get approved for a loan on his own. And he did! A great amount and I couldn’t be more proud! The loan is fully in his name, but this will be our house. I’ve saved quite a bit more than him over the years for this very moment. Since I have more saved, we decided that I’d cover most of the costs.

Once we find a house, I’ll have to pay around $12k out of my savings. My boyfriend will pay around $3k. I’m more than happy to do this. I’ve saved for us to have a house one day. But my in laws still don’t treat it as our house. My mother in law especially refers to it as “Marks house”, “Marks big purchase” etc. I understand being proud of him, I’m super proud too! But it’s my house too. I’ve worked hard for it. I don’t need them to brag about how proud they are of me, but the least she could do is acknowledge that it’s OUR house.

Whether I’m contributing to the costs or not, if Mark says it’s our house, it should be referred to as our house. I think it’s petty for me to throw out the amount of money I’m putting out to make this happen, but I’m so tired of feeling like I’m mooching off their son. I know I should peace knowing that I know the truth and I shouldn’t care what others think, but it really just pushes my buttons. Please help! Thank you!

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

Congratulations on purchasing a house! It is not an easy thing to accomplish, and you should be incredibly proud of yourself (and your boyfriend).

It’s completely understandable to be frustrated that your contributions and ownership of your home are not being recognized by your future in laws. You have worked hard, saved, and done all of the other multiple tasks that are required to be able to purchase a home. It’s no joke to achieve what you have, and you do deserve recognition.

It sounds like your future in-laws are unaware of your financial ownership of the house. Let your boyfriend know of your feelings, and how much it has been bothering you. If you are comfortable, ask him to share the information about your contributions to the house with his parents. This doesn’t have to include specific numbers, but it can. If you don’t want to go the route of sharing the financial amount, then ask your boyfriend to simply correct his parents when they refer to it as “Mark’s house”. He could even just add your name whenever it is referred to only as his house.

This is also important to address because you want the tone to be set for your relationship and future marriage that your contributions are important and valid and deserve appreciation as well.

There is nothing wrong with asking for recognition or credit for the things you have accomplished. It’s great that you identified that this was bothering you and that you are looking for a way to get your needs met.

I wish you luck,

Hailey

Posted in Q&A

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