Advice Column: Response to Lost

Dear Hailey,

I’m friends with this guy he is 24 and I’m 18. We were cool till I developed feelings but he didn’t feel the same way and I kinda blew up and said I don’t want to be friends anymore. He was upset but we’ve ironed everything out. Then we got in another fight and we fixed things again. Now he is dating a girl and changing his ways he is the sweetest guy but now he is kinda cocky. Should I cut away from him or stay?


And it hurts me hearing him talk about this girl…and it’s not jealousy. Now I think I’m not enough or never will be enough for him or anyone else…just the girl with the nice personality.

Sincerely,

Lost

Dear Lost,

In order to know what you want to do about this, you need to think about a few things first. 

Are you ok with spending time with him, and this never turning into a relationship? This is a definite possibility.

Think about what you said when you became angry with him. Did you say you wanted to end your friendship just to hurt him, or did you say it because it’s what you wanted? Sometimes we find out exactly what we want when we our emotions overwhelm us, but sometimes we also say things to try to hurt them when we are hurting. Consider which one of these applies to you. 

Know that you are in good company with this situation. I don’t know a single person who has avoided having feelings for a friend that they didn’t return. It’s happened to everyone at least once (myself included). It sucks, but you aren’t alone in this experience. I actually had someone write in to the advice column a while ago asking for help with a friend who had a situation similar to yours. There is information in there about self-esteem, and how having feelings not returned can affect self-esteem. (You can read that here).

The most important fact to consider is the effect that continuing or ending this friendship will have on your emotional well-being. You mentioned that he’s changing and not for the better. It’s really hard to watch someone we care about make poor choices and go from being wonderful and kind to the opposite. 

Know that you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them and treats you well. 

You don’t deserve to be anyone’s second choice. You deserve to someone’s first choice, and to be with someone who appreciates you and immediately recognizes your value. One person not recognizing your value as a person doesn’t decrease it.

Consider these questions, and decide what you want to do. I wish you luck with this decision!

Hailey 

Posted in Q&A

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