Advice Column: Response to Confused

Dear Hailey,

Hello – my husband has had a friend since elementary school (we’re in our 40’s now) and we have been friends with him and his wife as two married couples for years. Over these years, the wife (we’ll call her C) has been extremely rude to me, cutting me off when trying to speak, talking down to me, talking trash about my husband and children. 

I had enough and told my husband I didn’t want to hang out with them anymore. This has caused a major rift in my marriage. My husband misses the “good ‘ole days” where we used to hang out and have drinks. The thing is, he got to hang out with his best friend while I was stuck with C being rude to me. I feel guilty for breaking up this friendship circle but am I wrong for doing so? So confused and sad.

Confused

Dear Confused,

You are not wrong. Your family, along with your happiness and comfort, should take priority. You should not have to be subjected to someone being consistently rude to you, especially during your leisure time. 

However, there are other options other than cutting them off completely. Your husband could spend time with his friend on his own if he is interested in that. You and your husband could also have a frank discussion with your friends about the wife’s behavior. 

One last piece of advice: if you choose to have this difficult conversation with your friends, or if you discuss this again with your husband, try to use “I” statements (Or “we”). For example” “I struggle with the negative things you say about my husband and children”, versus, “You need to stop being so rude”. This puts your feelings at the focus of the conversation, and is less confrontational. 

If you have already had a discussion with your friends, do not feel bad about taking steps to cut them out of your lives. Your husband needs to take your feelings and comfort into account. 

I wish you luck,

Hailey

Posted in Q&A

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