Advice Column: Response to Anonymous

Dear Hailey,

My best friend has had a giant crush on this guy that doesn’t like her back for a long time now. She is, quite frankly, obsessed. All of our conversations revert back to him. And she doesn’t seem to realize that she is worth so much more than this guy, who is, in reality, a player and total jerk. But all she sees is the two times he was nice to her.

This has been going on for almost two years now, and it just keeps getting worse. Everyday she feels like crap because she concludes that the fact that he didn’t look at her means he hates her.

I want to help her so bad, but every time I try to she tells me I don’t understand, and that there’s no way I could. So how can I help her? I’m desperate for any piece of advice that could begin her process of moving on and help her realize he is not the one.

Thank you!

Anonymous

 

Dear Anonymous,

Almost everyone at some point in their life has found themselves interested in someone who doesn’t return their feelings. I had someone write into the advice column last year about their friends that they were interested in consistently viewing them in a non-romantic way. (You can read that here if you are interested). It’s a common problem. Almost a rite of passage. But that doesn’t make it suck any less.

Tell your friend that just because this boy isn’t interested in her, it doesn’t mean she isn’t attractive. It doesn’t mean she isn’t worthy of love. It doesn’t mean anything other than one person’s opinion. One of my very favorite quotes of all time is:

“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.”

Someone else’s opinion of us DOESN’T MATTER. It just doesn’t. Your friend is not worth any less just because of one person’s (that guy’s) inability to recognize her awesomeness.

Another topic that’s worth discussing is self-esteem. Most individuals struggle with self-esteem at some point in their life. Unfortunately, teenagers and young adults struggle with this more than any other group. It’s a tumultuous time in life, there are so many changes happening and decisions that have to be made that it can take a toll.

If you’ve seen the movie (or read the book) “The Perks of being a Wallflower”, you may have already heard this quote. “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

If someone doesn’t think they are worthy of healthy, happy, reciprocal love, they don’t seek after it. They find themselves constantly going after unhealthy relationships, and since they believe that is what they deserve, they settle for a less than awesome relationship. Your friend, like everyone, deserves to have someone who cares about her. No one deserves to be second choice. No one deserves to be treated poorly. No one.

It sounds like you really care about your friend, and you are worried about her. Know that she’s lucky to have you looking out for her and trying to help her realize her true worth as an individual.

Counseling is a great option for someone with low self-esteem. It can help them break out of the unhealthy thought patterns and create better, more productive thought patterns. Here is an exercise that I do with clients in counseling who are experiencing low self-esteem: Write down 10 positive things about yourself. Only a portion of these can be physical characteristics (No more than 3). Have someone who cares about the individual (You, or someone else close to her), write down 10 as well. If you have the type of friendship where you would be comfortable bringing this up to your friend, suggest it to her.

I also want you to note that you can pass on some of this information to your friend, but ultimately she has her own choice and self-determination to do what she pleases. I hope that she chooses to move on and find a guy and a relationship that are worthy of her, where she can receive the respect she deserves.

I wish you and your friend luck!

Hailey

Posted in Q&A

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